mike's HUMOR

A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"  

The good 'ol boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

One Liner 

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 

 

A American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.

 When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs - now in French - and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep." 

One Liner
I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious!

 

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas  
(What could have happened with "The 12 Days of Christmas")
 
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in
that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic
present! Bless you, and thank you.
 
Your deeply loving,
Emily
 
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Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the
pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
 
With undying love, as always,
Emily
 
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Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending
anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France?
It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.
Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
 
Your devoted,
Emily
 
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Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very
sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost
impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their
new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
 
Love from Emily
 
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Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for
each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking
after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row,
and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she
wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense
of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she
means. Still, I love the rings.
 
Bless you,
Emily
 
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Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the
porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I
know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
 
Love,
Emily
 
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Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more
than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd
rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems
to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so
please, please, stop!
 
Your Emily
 
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Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And
their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find
it very amusing.
 
Emily
 
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Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing.
All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not
ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of
shameless viragos, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who
get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!
 
Emily
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
 
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and
the cows got at it. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us
evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
 
Emily
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
 
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now
become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the
council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in
an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
 
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with
the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire
percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of
their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an
injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
 
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

Top Ten Gift Comments – part 2  

What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.

5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"

2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"

One LINER

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

 

Top Ten Gift Comments – part 1  

What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.

10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"

8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

One LINER

 

"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."

 

 

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be may be Jesus would allow him to have one. The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. 

As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk. 

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he passed by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. 

He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..." 

One LINER  

The best cure for shaking knees is to kneel on them. 

 

Your Eggnog’s Too Strong

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

One LINER

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.".

 

Signs of Christmas
Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." 

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." 

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." 

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. 

Come in and mangle with the crowd." 

A Texas jeweler store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. 

Three for $200,000. 

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." 

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... 

a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
 

One LINER

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.  Burton Hillis

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family for Christmas. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

One Liner

You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

 

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

One LINER

There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries.  ~W.J. Cameron