mike's HUMOR

Good Ole Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans...all for a dollar!!"
 
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore.....they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

Newspaper

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

One Liners

If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen, but not necessarily what you intended.

 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

Three Students

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
 
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
 
The English student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have a latte."
 
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

 

 

Wish List

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
 
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
 
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
 
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
 
"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
 
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

The Elevator
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
 
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
 
The boy asked, "What is this, father?"
 
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

One Liners

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
•  'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'  …. For you younger folks “Well, It’s Not Unusual” is another popular song of Tom Jones!
• Why don't they make the entire plane out of that indestructible black box?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Math Symbols 

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
 
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

Quickest Way

An American, vacationing in England, approached a local in a village. "What's the quickest way to get to York?"

 

The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?"

I'm driving."

 

"That's the quickest way!"

 

THOUGHTS ON GENEALOGY

 

~ Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

 

~ I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

 

~ Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

 

~ Searching for lost relatives?  Win the lottery!

 

~ Do I even WANT ancestors?

 

~ Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.

 

~ Every family tree has some sap in it.

 

~ Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.

 

~ Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.

 

~ Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.

 

~ Heredity:  Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

 

~ I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

 

~ Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related

 

BOB HOPE CLASSICS!

 

ON TURNING 70

"You still chase women, but only downhill."

 

ON TURNING 80

"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

 

ON TURNING 90

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

 

ON TURNING 100

"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

 

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

 

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

 

ON GOLF

"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

 

ON PRESIDENTS

"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

 

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOW BIZ FOR HIS CAREER

"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

 

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

 

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

 

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

 

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

 

 

Only in America
 
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
 
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
 
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get a prescription while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
 
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
 
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
 
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
 
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Light on

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's office.

 

Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a moth!"

 

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

 

Man: "Yes, I know."

 

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

 

Man: "Well...the light was on..."

One LINER

Sometimes we can get so busy in life that we can forget the direction we’re going. Like the pilot in World War II flying over the Pacific, he radioed back, “I have absolutely no idea where I’m going. I’m lost. But I’m making record time.”

 

TOP EIGHT SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

8. You get winded from knocking on the door.

7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

6. You ask for high fiber candy only.

5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

4. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

3. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

1. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

Salary Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"   The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."   The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"   The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"   And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." One LINER The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.