mike's HUMOR

A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!"

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

One LINER

Don't play stupid with me. I always win.

eWORD of the DAY 

My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)

thought of the day
Do you know how to deal with conflict?  The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation.  To resolve conflict, you must confront. But, don't confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, then speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately

 

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

One LINER

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

eWORD of the DAY 

Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Thoughts on today's verse

Holy fruit!!  Say them out loud and ask the Lord to make it true in you: LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL 

 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service.

Finally, his big sister had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

One LINER

Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

eWORD of the DAY 

"Make the most of every chance you get" (Ephesians 5:16 MSG).

Thought for the Day
The best time to manage your time is right now – not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Now!

 

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed.

"Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says.

"That's okay, Dad," the son says. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

One LINER

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

eWORD of the DAY

Acts 9:10-13
In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias…..The Lord told him, “Go…”In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”  “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem.

thought for the day
“I have heard many reports” causes us to listen to the people around us instead of God who clearly speaks and says, “Go..”  Let us listen to the voice of God today!  

 

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McDonald's with me to have dinner?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to McDonald's with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald's with me to have dinner?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!"

One LINER

"When you have a need, plant a seed." - Rick Warren

eWORD of the DAY

Romans 11:33

Oh, the depth and riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out.

thoughts on today's verse

God's plan to save us is incredible. His blueprints for the creation of our universe are beyond our imagining. He is so rich in wisdom and knowledge. What else can we do but go to him and ask him to open our minds to his work and his will in our lives.  Open my eyes that I may see!!!

 

Jury Excuse"

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

One LINER

Famous Last Words

640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

eWORD of the DAY

Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)

I am your Creator.

You were in my care even before you were born.

thought for the day

You Are Not an Accident

 

Eggs-itement

One day, my five-year-old daughter, Tori, helped me put away groceries. She didn't know I'd purchased brown eggs instead of the usual white. When Tori opened the carton, her eyes widened in amazement and she exclaimed, "Look, Mommy, whole wheat eggs!"  

One LINER

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

eWORD of the DAY

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:3  

thought for the day

Our own redemption puts a new song in our mouths.  Out of hearts of gratitude and love for God, we share our witness. 

 

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion: 

1) The woman goes to the store. 

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. 

4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. 

One LINER

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

eWORD of the DAY 

"I hope you will be patient with me …." (2 Corinthians 11:1a, NLT)

thought for the day
God is very patient and His mercy endures for ever!  

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster.  "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

One LINER

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

eWORD of the DAY 

Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Mark 10:43 (MSG)

thought for the day
The world defines greatness in terms of power, possessions, prestige, and position. If you can demand service from others, you've arrived. In our self-serving culture with its me-first mentality, acting like a servant is not a popular concept.

We serve God by serving others. 

 

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.  He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.  The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.  He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real. 

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

One Liner

'I hear O'Brien died,' said Pat. 'Was he ill long?'
'No,' said Mick. 'He died in the best of health.'

eWORD of the DAY

And all of you must put on the apron of humility, to serve one another; for the scripture says, "God resists the proud, but shows favor to the humble." 1 Peter 5:5 (TEV)

thought for the day
A real servant maintains a low profile. Servants don't promote or call attention to themselves.