mike's HUMOR

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by...

..the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

..the EPA for killing fig trees,

..the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

..the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

..the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

..OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

..the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

..the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,

..and by the Zoning Dept. for building mansions without a permit.

One LINER  

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

eWORD of the DAY 

1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 

thought for the day

The beginning of love is God. He showed his love in the most sacrificial of ways so we could know our incredible value to him.  

 

You Might be a Preacher if....
 
- You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were
- You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday
- You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times
- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
- You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion
- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.
- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
- You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
- You've ever stretched the truth at a funeral.
- You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
- You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church Softball Game.
- Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.  

One LINER

"A Florida man recently called 911 twice because his Italian Subway was missing its sauce." - (Source: Newsweek, 8/18/08)

eWORD of the DAY 

Romans 8:29 (Msg)  
God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.

Thought for the day
You were created to become like Christ

 

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're just bad luck."

One LINER

God must work in you before God can work on you!!

eWORD of the DAY

"I do not run like one who runs aimlessly."   I Corinthians 9:26

thought for the day

Every follower of Christ should make it his or her aim to please Christ!   To accomplish this you will need to set some spiritual goals in all areas of your life. 

 

"Lawyer Jury"

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" 

One LINER

"The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not." - C.S. Lewis

eWORD of the DAY 

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on ..." (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).

thought for the day
Forget the past and focus on the future. Your past is past! It's water under the bridge. You can't change it so you may as well stop worrying about it

 

Little Jennie, age six, proudly told her mother that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

One LINER

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

eWORD of the DAY

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?'" (John 5:6 NIV).

thought for the day

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

In the scripture above and in life stands the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can't, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was on a mission that would provide the only way we can be re-created whole and healthy. Jesus was on the road to Calvary.

 

Bad Facts

These responses actually appeared on real science tests:

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

—"Strange World," Campus Life, Vol. 56, no. 2. 

One LINER

Why do you turn the radio down in the car when you're looking for a street address?  You do it too – huh!!!

eWORD of the DAY 

Colossians 3:12
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

thought for the day

"Ever wonder what you need to wear to each day?" Paul reminds us that there is a set of clothing that is always in style. So go get dressed for the life!

 

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

"Buffy," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Yeah," said Buffy, "So did I."

One LINER

"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."

eWORD of the DAY 

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thoughts on today's verse

Two things are vital for this to be a part of our lives. First, we must trust God to meet our needs.   Second, we expect the power of the Holy Spirit to bless us and empower us with God's qualities. 

 

SAINTLY SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said.  "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied.  "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

One LINER

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

eWORD of the DAY

"For you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created."  Rev. 4:11b (NLT)  

Thought for the day
You were planned for God's pleasure 

 

"Cinnamon Rolls"

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

One LINER  

"Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

eWord fo the Day

They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.” John 4:42

thought for the day
Won't believe for yourself until you experience God for yourself

 

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

One LINER

~ Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

eWORD of the DAY

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

thought for the day

Ask God to open your eyes and help you see his purpose for your life. God, who made you, has this to say about you: “I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 TEV).