mike's HUMOR

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had", the child quipped. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had", the child quipped

One Liner
The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

eWORD of the Day

"I showed what You are like to those You gave Me from the world. They belonged to You, and You gave them to Me" (John 17:6 NCV).

thought for the day
The world is full of sons and daughters who desperately need a father who is a spiritual leader. Is it possible your kids are among them? You can become a spiritual leader to your children by developing the characteristics that we see in Jesus as He taught His disciples 

 

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply: (to the above)

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Dad

One Liner

Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that. 

eWORD of the Day
But as for me, it is good to be near God. 
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; 
I will tell of all your deeds.  Palm73:28

thought for the day
We should go deeper with God in order to go out and tell others what God has done for us.  

BECAUSE I'M A DAD...

..I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it. (Although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.)

..when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

..when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

..I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Cosmo" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

..when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

..I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

..you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

..I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

One Liner
Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

eWORD of the Day
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  John13:34 (NIV)

thought for the day
Each of us has a life message that God wants us to share with the world. Sharing the message is part of our life’s mission. When we share that message with other people, it’s called witnessing. 

 

TOP 10 WAYS TO INTIMIDATE YOUR DAUGHTER'S DATE WHEN HE COMES TO PICK HER UP

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."

9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

8. Introduce him to your good friend Chuck Norris.

7. Walk on stilts.

6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is here."

5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.

3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.

2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green ford."

1. Say, "Let's pray."

One Liner
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

eWORD of the Day
… To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. Luke 19:26 (NLT)

thought for the day

Jesus requires his disciples to take risks because those risks are the substance of our faith. They stretch us to live by faith instead of living by sight. They stretch us from an independent, self-directed life to one dependent and directed by God.

 

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

One LINER  
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

eWORD of the DAY

Romans 1:16
For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

thought for the day

Paul was on fire for the gospel.  His life centered around it.  Thus he proclaimed it boldly day in and day out.

 

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

One LINER  

"The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved."

- Erma Bombeck

eWORD of the DAY

Psalm 119:165
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. 

thought for the day

Have you ever had a clumsy stage of life, this promise is almost beyond believing -- nothing can make me stumble! But when it comes to living life, if I know God's will and love it, I will do it. Then nothing can make me stumble

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

One LINER

"I don't make jokes, "Will Rogers once said truthfully. "I just watch the government and report the facts."

eWORD of the DAY

"Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty--he is the King of glory" (Psalm 24:8, 10 NIV).

thought for the day
Gratitude is one gauge that measures our dependence on God. The more dependent we are, the more grateful we become.

TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING (part 2)

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that  "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

One Liner

The Truth is out There. So what are you doing Here?!

eWORD of the Day

[Abraham] was trusting God so much that he was willing to do whatever God told him to do. His faith was made complete by what he did – by his actions.” (James 2:22 NLT)

thought for the day
The life of faith is a life of taking risks that aren’t actually risky. When God puts a challenge before you – even one that seems crazy to your human nature – you can step out in confidence because you know God is able and faithful.

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

1. The Macy's-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don't-Know-How-Long-It's-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend's-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I'm-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn't-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It's-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I'm-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I've-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won't-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I've-Got-The-Doctor's-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

One Liner

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not cover you.

eWORD of the day

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. (1 Thessalonians 2:8 NIV)

thought for the day

He wants to work through you. What matters is not the duration of your life, but the donation of it. It doesn’t matter how long you live, but how you live.

Once you know that God loves you and wants a relationship with you, then God wants you to turn right around and begin telling other people about the Good News from God.

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it - I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uhhhh...ummmm

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN...and I think I am having the time of my life!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to others! You didn't send it, did you?

One Liner
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

eWORD of the Day

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7 NIV)

thought for the day
Forgiveness is not a contract with God, as in, “You forgive me and I get my old life back.” Forgiveness is God’s choice; it emerges from his infinite love. He paid a bloody, costly price to forgive you, even as you were still steeped in sin.

God will forgive you, but that doesn’t mean he’ll remove the consequences of your sin.