mike's HUMOR

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

One Liner
“A woman's work is never done. So why bother?”

eWORD of the day
"You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you." (1 Peter 2:9 GWT)

today’s thought

You are called to serve God. Growing up, you may have thought that being called by God was something only missionaries, pastors, nuns, and other full-time church workers experienced, but the Bible says every Christians is called to service.

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

One Liner

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

 eWORD of the day

It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB) 

today’s thought 

You were saved to serve God.  God redeemed you so you could do his "holy work." You're not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God's kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value. 

 

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
 
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
 
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
 
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
 
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
 
"OK," said the first.
 
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them right up.
 
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
 
"BOY, I JUST *LOVE* BASKIN ROBINS..."

One Liner 

Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

eWORD of the day

Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God. Romans 7:4 (TEV)

todays’ thought ……

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A "non-serving Christian" is a contradiction in terms.

 

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21) 2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

And the number one pick up line from Adam is:

"You're the apple of my eye!" *

* I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the "fruit," not "apple," but gee guys, apple is funnier!

One LINER  

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

eWORD of the day
“This, then, is how you should pray: 'Our Father in heaven: May Your holy name be honored'" (Matthew 6:9 TEV).

today’s thought
What is praise? Praise is thanking God for who and what He is. It means to value Him, to esteem Him. It means bragging on him: "God, You are good! There's no one as good as You!"  

 

MEANDERTHALS /me-AN-dur-thols/ noun: aimless, slow-walking pedestrians who mindlessly get in everyone else's way on sidewalks, stores, in malls, and crosswalks, often while preoccupied with a cell phone.

One Liner
I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm finding out it has to do with my middle.

eWORD of the day

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

todays’ thought …

Does God care about your house payment, your health, whether you are a success or failure in life, your children and the education they get, whether you ever get married or not, about the argument you had with your boyfriend, or about how you feel this morning?  God says, "You bet I care! I am a caring Father." 

Scripture says that God is interested in every little detail of your life.  That's so incredible I don't think it even sinks in. God is a caring God.  He is concerned about every little detail in your life.  

What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness

One Liner

What disease did cured ham actually have?

eWORD of the Day 

Fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Philippians 4:8 (TEV)

thought for the day
Temptation begins by capturing your attention. What gets your attention arouses your emotions. Then your emotions activate your behavior, and you act on what you felt. The more you focus on "I don't want to do this," the stronger it draws you into its web.

Ignoring a temptation is far more effective than fighting it. Once your mind is on something else, the temptation loses its power. So when temptation calls you on the phone, don't argue with it, just hang up! 

 

What happens when you fall in love with:

A chef? (You get buttered up.) 

A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you aphone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

One Liner
Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.

eWORD of the Day
If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

thought for the day
If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload

 

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE...

~ Be sure to refill the ice trays - we're going to have company after while.

~ Watch for the postman - I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.

~ Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!

~ Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

~ Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

~ You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

~ Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!

~ Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

~ Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

~ Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

~ Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by - I need to get a few things from him.

~ You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

~ Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

~ Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!

~ Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

~ No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?

~ It is time for your system to get cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

~ If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

~ Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

One Liner

When a freight train passes, no one says, "It sounded just like a tornado!"

eWORD of the Day

1 Corinthians 2:9
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.

thought of for today  

Many of the things we anticipate and dream about are much less glorious in real life than they were in our imaginations. There is one event, however, that is better than we can imagine and beyond our wildest dreams. When Jesus returns to take us home to be with our Father, it will be far better than we can ask, imagine, dream or think.

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

One Liner

A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

eWORD of the day
For no one can ever be made right in God's sight by doing what his law commands. For the more we know God's law, the clearer it becomes that we aren't obeying it. But now God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight—not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago.” (Romans 3:20-21 NLT)

thought for the day
In his own geek-Greek way, Paul is saying we should forget the balance sheet – ignore the scoreboard, give up on tracking good and bad statistics. Listen, there is good news! There’s another way to get right in God’s sight, and it has nothing to do with your own achievements. It’s based on a promise made by God long ago – a promise is fulfilled through Jesus Christ.

 

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up:

"Yeah?  Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"

One Liner
Take everything in moderation, including moderation.

eWORD of the day
"Then Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, spoke up. 'There's a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?'" (John 6:8-9 NLT).

thought for the day
Whenever you have a need, acknowledge your faith by planting a seed. In other words, take your focus off your need and look at ways you can provide for the needs of others, planting a seed in their lives.

You can see this principle imbedded in our blood. When you give away blood, you get more blood. You don't end up with less blood; you end up with as much blood or more than you had before.

God often works through this harvest principle: when you have a need, you give; and what you give away, God replenishes. Faith is like a seed, so it has to be planted, or deposited.