mike's HUMOR

A father of five young children won a toy at Toys R Us.  Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

One Liner

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?

 

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS calling. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will." 

One Liner

What doesn't kill you will still definitely bum you out. 

 

Funny One-Liners:
 
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
 
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
 
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
 
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
 
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
 
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
 
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

 

MURPHY'S LAWS OF PARENTING

- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

- A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

- Toys multiply to fill any space available.

- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

- If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.

- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

One Liner
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.

 

AMAZING REARRANGING...

 

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

 

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

 

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

 

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

 

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

 

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

 

 

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.
 
Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."
 
Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

ONE LINER

How would we measure hail without golf balls?

 

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

One Liner

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.