mike's HUMOR

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding.  He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said.  "I'm in the wedding."

"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied.  "You're in the Navy."

One Liner

Home is where you hang your @

 

 

"One Carton and Six Eggs"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

One Liner
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." ~ Mark Twain

 

"Morning Sickness"

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

"I'm just sick of mornings."

One Liner
Seen on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

 

I LOVE MY JOB

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.

I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.

I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:

These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!

One Liner
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

 

    Many years ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.
    He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along.
    As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw.
    "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad (pointing at Tang).
    I said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."
    A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" (pointing at a box of Carnation).
    I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
    A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out, "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"

One Liner
Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip."

 

In a shop, two men struck up a conversation.

Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.'

One Liner
I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

 

A teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.  One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.  Now, what does each get?"

The classroom fell silent for a moment, and then an earnest young voice piped up: "A lawyer!"

One Liner
My home town was so small that in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened.

 

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.
 
Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. She searched frantically ... but never found the critter.
 
Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."

One Liner
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

My 9 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

One Liner
Seen on a Taxidermist's sign: "We really know our stuff."

 

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
 
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
- Do not use while sleeping.
 
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
 
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.
 
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.
 
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
- Fits one head.
 
ON TIRIMISU DESERT
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
 
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating
 
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
- Do not iron clothes on body
 
ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery
 
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness
 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning: keep out of children
 
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.
 
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be used for the other use
 
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
- Warning: contains nuts
 
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
- Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
 
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands